Victoria Beckham is opening up like never before about her battle with an eating disorder and the pressures she faced to control her image.
In her new Netflix docuseries Victoria Beckham, which premieres Thursday, October 9, the 51-year-old designer reflects on the emotional toll of fame and the years she spent being overly critical of herself.
“I don’t know what I saw when I looked in the mirror,” she admits.
“Was I fat? Was I thin? I don’t know. You lose all sense of reality. I was just very critical of myself. I didn’t like what I saw. It’s been a lot and that’s hard.”
Victoria recalls how her struggles intensified after the Spice Girls disbanded in 2000.
The singer, then best known as Posh Spice, had married soccer icon David Beckham a year earlier, and the two went on to raise four children, Brooklyn, 26, Romeo, 23, Cruz, 20, and Harper, 14.
Looking back, she says she sought control through her appearance.
“I could control [how I was perceived] with clothing. I could control my weight. I was controlling it in an incredibly unhealthy way,” she explains. “When you have an eating disorder, you become very good at lying.”
She admits she wasn’t open with those closest to her at the time.
“I was never honest with my parents,” she shares.
“I never talked about it publicly. It really affects you when you are being told constantly that you are not good enough. I suppose that has been with me my whole life.”
The criticism came from all directions, sometimes labeling her “too skinny” and at other times “too fat.”
Victoria recalls one particularly painful moment in 1999, just six months after welcoming her first child, when she was weighed on national television.
“I’ve been everything from Porky Posh to Skinny Posh,” she says. “I had no control over what’s been written about me, pictures that were being taken, and I suppose I wanted to control that, you know, control it with the clothing.”
Her husband, David Beckham, also reflects on how harshly she was treated at the time.
“People felt it was OK to criticize a woman for her weight,” he says. “There were a lot of things happening on TV then that won’t happen now, that can’t happen now.”
Although revisiting those memories was painful, Victoria says she felt it was time to confront her past.
Speaking to The Sunday Times earlier this month, she explained that making the documentary felt like a form of healing.
“I’ve been defined by a four-year period in my life. That was the Spice Girls,” she said.
“It’s taken me almost two decades to fight that and I feel that only now can I look back and talk about it. I’m not going to lie, being asked questions about when I was in the Spice Girls was quite triggering. And I’d say those were the most difficult moments. It was almost like therapy for me.”
Still, she looks back on that time with gratitude.
“I love the Spice Girls. I really do,” she added.
“The other night I had dinner with Emma and Geri, and Mel B messaged me at the weekend. I still speak to all of the girls. I’m so proud of everything we did. I wouldn’t have been who I am now if it wasn’t for the Spice Girls, 100 percent.”
Victoria Beckham begins streaming Thursday, October 9, on Netflix.
